Of Liberal Intent
"Do you think about the things you do think about?"

Monday, January 01, 2001

Tips and Tricks for customers making calls to their ISP tech support

  • Be sure to be completely clueless as to what you're using for e-mail as this is completely unimportant especially when you're having e-mail problems.
  • Also be sure not to know how to find your e-mail program so you can spend a half an hour having the tech explain to you how to use the start menu and find outlook express. After all in all likelihood the tech has nothing better to do and all those phones ringing in the background are merely background music and not annoying at all.
  • Be sure to tell the tech lots of anecdotal stories that have nothing whatsoever to do with your problem as the tech loves to listen to it and has nothing better to do but listen to you all day (and no supervisors or anyone else pressuring him to take as many calls as possible).
  • Be sure and call and ask unrelated questions like "we just got a new computer and when we went to shut it down it just froze and the power button doesn't work what do we do?" as Internet Service Provider tech support is there to answer just such questions (hold the power button down for 5 seconds). Oh and be sure and call back angry at the tech support for "breaking" your computer when all you had to do was hit the button labeled "power" to turn it back on.
  • Be sure to call on as crappy a phone and phone line as you can find. And talk as quietly as possible. The techs ya see, they get really annoyed when they can actually hear you and understand what your saying and your problem as opposed to static and your voice coming for a vast far distance.
  • Now when calling the ISP be sure and use a crappy cell phone because as with the last remark being able to hear and understand a customer is the least important item on a list of things you need to get help from someone over the phone.
  • When you have a problem with the service and/or an issue with the bill be SURE and call at 11:30 at night and YELL and CURSE and SCREAM at the tech support who is paid $7 an hour to sit in a tiny room at 11:30 at night and knows NOTHING of billing policy or anything else about the company. Because, ya see, company’s always put the BEST most qualified people on the 11:30pm shift and pay them $7 an hour. Be sure to have a few drinks before hand too. That can only help.
  • Be sure you can only marginally speak English. It's really bad to actually be capable of communication with the tech before you call.
  • Very important your computer isn't actually on when tech support calls you back of when you call tech support. Also be sure you're in another room and don't leave or anything to be in front of your computer when the tech starts to try and help you.
  • Now if you're on Macintosh be sure and call up ask the tech to send you a non-existent Internet Explorer 5.5 because your bank will not let you access their web site without IE 5.5. Be sure not to be swayed by minor facts like not seeing any IE 5.5 listed at microsoft.com/mac, as the ISP after all is completely responsible for the development of IE and the name "Microsoft Internet Explorer" is completely irrelevant. And when the ISP can’t give you this mystical IE 5.5 for Mac on CD be sure to threaten to go to another ISP who can actually help you (that will help).
  • When calling up with the error "bad username or password" be sure not to mention you don't actually know the password or you forgot it. This will only make the tech's job harder.
  • In fact leave out as many facts as possible. Call from work and using a corporate network? Don't mention it! Still have AOL installed and aren't even dialing the ISP up? Don't mention it! The fewer facts the tech has to work with the better!
This has been a Neo RiNo Classic

Neo RiNo Classics

A collection of works by Neo RiNo:

Tips and Tricks for customers making calls to their ISP tech support